Early in the year I had lost the
desire to have children which up to that point had been very
important to me. That desire was blocking me from hearing God's voice
on the subject until I gave it up. It was like waking up one day to
reality and saying: “Hey, I'm 43 and I don't want to raise children
at my age. I will want to retire when they want to go to college!”
Also I woke up to the fact that I've been struggling with my sexual
orientation for twenty years. It's about time I dealt with it!
However, I never felt the motivation to run off to “Exodus” to
get reprogrammed even though in my mind, that is what I thought I
should do. I still thought I should change, but, I found myself
through the Holy Spirit crying out to God,
“ I want to know the
truth!” I did this almost every day for nine months praying to God
for the answer.
I found myself being led by the
Holy Spirit to take steps that would later break down my hardness so I would be open to hear from God on
the matter of sexuality. Up to this point I had been very closed minded and would not listen to
or even consider any other point of view. I did not know what they were leading to, but each step
just came naturally. In the summer I said to my body: “You tell me what you feel ( when I look at a man )
and I will not judge you for being right or wrong, no condemnation, no cart wheels, no
torture. You just tell me what you feel.” The idea was to stop
reacting to my feelings so that the healing
process could begin. That took away a lot of stress and
helped me to face what I could not face for over twenty years. O.K.- I have those feelings- so maybe I
can take them to God and see what He wants to do. It brought it to a simple level. I put on the shelf
all my ideas, teachings I've had in the past and opened my mind to hear what God had to say. I realized
that I had been telling God all the time what His word says instead of asking Him what it says. I coud not
face my sexuality or talk to God at all about it because I believed that the Bible condemned me
and I had to change. (However, I could not.) So when I prayed about these things I thought there was
no discussion, no answer. I would close my Bible and leave the room and never listen to what God had
to say about my sexuality. ( I would listen to God about everything else, but not that.) My new
approach was to listen to God and believe there was a solution.
I did go to M.C.C.T. In late
August, but there was no brain washing. The sermons were basic teachings of love and it was only
mentioned a couple of times about homosexuality and Christianity being compatible as it fit in with the
teaching. Throughout the year I could not get
motivated to read books that are pro-gay and ones on the scriptures about homosexuality. I know
now that was because God wanted me to hear directly from Him why I am
gay and what He thinks about it. That way I know what I believe is
not because someone else told me, but because God showed me by His
Spirit! (My own convictions not someone else's.) Over the years I had
met many people who said things that could have led me to the truth,
but I would not listen at all. I was afraid
of deception blinding me and thought I knew the truth about
everything. When I lived in London, one friend who was in a
monogamous relationship with another man, told me many things and I
can't remember a word, but his lifestyle of love as a christian and a
gay man has remained always with me. At least I could see it was OK
for him, but not for me. I called him in those days a non-repentant
homosexual. God asked me over and over if I would be willing to work
with him in Heaven. The impression was not to work with him to make
him straight- no- the impression was this- Would you accept him into
Heaven and work with him side by side there? I said yes and God said-
“That's just it- I do!” He wanted me to know that He accepts this
man fully as he is! God did give me a vision about this but at that
time I would not listen to what God was saying to me through it.
Then in August 1997, one day God said
to me,”Do you remember that vision I gave you? Now apply it to
yourself.” When I heard that I thought- Is God going to make me
gay?? I couldn't get that God was saying to
me- “Accept yourself as you are. I do and yes, you are accepted in
my kingdom!” I didn't believe it yet.
In October I got together with a
gay christian man whom I had met at M.C.C.T. We talked about our faith and about being gay. I was so
impressed that he believed in Jesus the way I did and his reaction to
Him was the same as mine. I really felt our meeting was spiritual. I
could see how closely he believed as I did so I listened to what he
had to say. He shared how he had his time of prayer and fasting to find out what he should do
about his being gay. He felt afterwards that it is accepted by God to be gay and has accepted that
himself. He told me that spirituality and sexuality should go
together.
There was no revelation that day. I
didn't feel anything about what he had said. Then the next day...
I felt a presence in my room and heard
a question clearly in my head, “Why do your christian friends have
no problem accepting that they are gay, but you've been through
twenty years of torture over it? I heard it again making breakfast, then
after I had breakfast I heard it again. I finally stopped what I was
doing and said- OK Lord, why do my friends have no problem accepting
their being gay, but I've had twenty years of torture over it? It
only took a split second to see the vision from God in my mind and
all the knowledge was there right away! God spoke to me in words,
images and strong impressions. It was like a program downloaded into
my brain that I could play over and over and it addressed key issues.
Twenty years I struggled to see it
and it took part of a second to solve that thing that had me bound
all my life! I saw myself as a little boy growing up in the late
fifties and what a heterosexual world it was- from the earliest
nursery rhymes, the children's stories, all the princes and
princesses, from television to advertising and the theme you always
heard everywhere was boy meets girl and has a family. I was programmed
by society to be heterosexual in my head. I was told I should
naturally desire girls and want to have a family. However, when I
reached puberty, my body naturally developed to be what it was born-
and I developed to be same sex orientated. That's when all the
trouble started. From that point on my mind and my body were fighting
each other! The only references to homosexuality in this society were
negative. The pier pressure, television, movies and advertising
reinforced what I had already been programmed. This had traumatized me
by this time and left me vulnerable for the next fall.
I had accepted Christ as my saviour
when I was eight or nine years old, but it took me till twenty-one
years old to really commit my life to Him. Here I was, a gay man who
experienced God's presence, had His love in his heart and was
really in love with God, but was being told I was an abomination to
Him! That brought years of condemnation, guilt, confusion and fear.
It was total devastation and isolation from God and everyone else.
The only thing that kept my sanity was the fact that I had peace in
my own prayer time at home. (I should have caught on!!) I believed
that the church was right, and that I had forgiveness as long as I
was willing to change. That made me run around in circles for twenty
years! It's not the solution- always trying to be straight and
“repenting” when I felt attraction to other men.
In my vision the impression was
very strong that I was born gay and God has no problem with that and has no intention of changing me. Being born gay is not a sin. It's
just nature. God does not want to change me, but He wants to use me
as I am.
After receiving that answer to
prayer, then I was freed to do my research and find out what the
christian organizations had to say and check that I received from
God, and it did back up what I heard. I looked on the internet and found a
page with all the organizations that claimed to reprogram
homosexuals and make them straight. It is very interesting, though to
find at the bottom of the page a site for the American Association of
Psychiatrists and one for the American Association of Psychologists.
These associations did a study to determine if programs in “Exodus”
and others really did change peoples' orientation. After interviewing
the best examples Exodus could offer, they came to the conclusion
that those who participated in the program did change their
behaviour, but there is no documented evidence that anyone has
changed their orientation.
I know my God! He is not cruel, but
loving! I have heard of God's power for years in the Spirit filled
circles of believers. It is plain to me that if God wanted any of us
who are gay to change, He certainly would do it! Not only that, but
these organizations have had at least ten years to prove that their
program works and out of the hundreds that have gone through, there
should at least be a few who experienced the change of orientation.
However, there is no documentation that anyone has changed their
orientation!
All my life God has been showing me
to go by nature, that is, the good qualities that He gave me at birth, to know who I am and what I'm
to do here on Earth. Now I know to apply that to my sexuality. I also did my reading to find out
what the scriptures say. If you want to know the truth you must go to the experts! There are many good
books available that are written by scholars who have researched and studied thoroughly to
rightly know what the scriptures say about sex between members of the same sex. The Bible talks about
temple prostitution and rape, but little is said specifically about committed relationships of same sex
partners that is sexual. My impression after all I've been through and all the reading and talking to God
I've done is this; The Bible is God's Word and has power, however it was written by men with
their methods of writing. For those who want to follow God it is a set of guidelines to help us know how
to behave, but we must pray to God for the interpretation and how we should apply it to ourselves. It
shows us the nature of God which never changes and if we pay attention to His Word we will recognize
Him and know His nature and not be deceived on any point. His nature has never changed, but His
dealings with man have always been different according to man's acceptance of His will or man's
disobedience. The Bible is full of all kinds of relationships from
which we can learn. The whole theme is love.
God is a God of love. He always was and always will be. If a person lives a life of love, that
person has God in them, and there is no law against them. That person will always want to learn from God and
be with Him, doing what is right, whether gay or straight.
God gave me a scripture years ago
saying, How can the creation say to it's creator,“Why have you made
me this way?!” After I finally listened to God about sexuality I
realized what He was trying to say to me. So many times we “born-again Christians” say to God, “I'll go where you want me to go and be
whatever you want me to be!” But are we willing to give over this issue to God? I had to lay it down and be willing to let God work in my life. So, this man moves to the Gay
neighbourhood of Toronto and lives as he is to live, with Christ's morals
of course, but still with the orientation he was born. And I have found many ways to bring the light and life of Christ to this community.
Looking back I see how much the
teachings of the church traumatized me. I heard over and over that the “homosexual lifestyle” is
sin. We are not talking about a lifestyle I have chosen, but we are
talking about my own natural emotions and feelings; what I am, not
what I choose to do. So my body, which knows that it is same sex
orientated, translated the messages to: “ I cannot be gay and
Christian, I cannot be, I cannot exist!” So my life from twenty-
one to forty- three was, “I can't, I can't, I can't!” It spread into ever area of my life. “I
can't receive God's blessings because I'm gay. I can't get healing
because I'm gay. I can't prosper because I'm gay. I can't be accepted
by people, I can't fulfill my dreams because...!” During that time
everything I tried to do in the area of work failed. I had no self
esteem. God could not bless me, not because I was gay, but because I
felt guilty and could not accept His blessings.
Now that I understand that it is
not a sin to be same sex orientated and that God wants to use me as I am, I find that the words “I
can't” have changed to “ I can” and that healing is taking
place in every area of my life. Before, I did have
peace in my own private prayer times, but I never had hope of being fulfilled. Now, I have hope. I do
exist. I did have my experience with God and I was born gay.
Can a man be a Christian, full of
the Holy Spirit, full of God's love, anointed for worship and gay?
God has given me the answer- I am!
